Lock and Load: marshmallow ammo not included

There are certain things that come to us in mysterious ways. We don't always understand what they mean, and we don't always know how to deal with them. We may not even know how they work. But this, my friends, this fantastic marshmallowy weapon does not need any explanation or introduction. It is marsh-mahhhvelous in itself. And you MUST GET ONE. Please read for yourself:

Most offices have many levels, both in social structure and in geometric space. This can present difficulties when planning office raids and attack strategies. For many missions a rapid fire, sugar-spewing shooter is what is needed (see the Marshmallow Shooter below). But sometimes that's just not enough. For the times when you need heavy fire, you need the Marshmallow Blaster.

Firing one regular sized marshmallow (not included) at a time, the Marshmallow Blaster has the power to hit targets up to 40 feet away. Easy to load and reload. Just pump the handle to build up air pressure, then lock and load a marshmallow. The handle of the pump conveniently doubles as a stock for added stabilization. You can even load up a shotgun blast of mini marshmallows, for a good scatter shot. This is the Sultan of Sugary Shoot-outs, the Colossus of Confectionary Combat, the Bazooka of Bite-Sized Bonbons - you get the idea. Add a Marshmallow Blaster to your arsenal and office domination is almost guaranteed. And, dare we say, victory will indeed be sweet.

The Marshmallow Blaster can fire any brand of regular sized marshmallows, sold separately. Try our Gourmet Marshmallows - each bag is 4.4 oz of the tastiest rounds available. Remember, marshmallows are a fat free projectile.

I learned of this wonderful contraption at this morning's Executive Staff meeting. The Director of Communications was regaling us with stories of her kids' Christmases, explaining that this year's celebrations will involve, undoubtedly, very violent marshmallow battles.

Marshmallow battles?

Apparently, she and her husband, a beloved priest in a local Episcopal church, purchased for each of their kids a Marshmallow Blaster which they hope will be the primary weapons of their very sticky yuletide warfare.

The VP of Advancement suggested that it be purchased for the next General Staff meeting. I agreed. Since I'll be convening those meetings in the spring semester, I dutifully noted the suggestion under the list of "possible bribery options." However, the Academic Dean topped it off by saying, very calmly, that it would be most useful, ahem, in the Faculty Meetings. That beats all, folks. Arm the faculty with weapons like these? I don't think so. Never. They've already taken the faculty lounge, overrun the kitchenette, and usurped the 2nd floor bathrooms. The classrooms are already dangerous battlegrounds. If we give them the marshmallow blasters, the halls will become No Man's Land.

Never, never give a faculty member a Marshmallow Blaster.

(Text taken from Think Geek website.)